Mrs Joyner asked yesterday how I’m feeling about this IUI. The answer is completely conflicted. I’m a nervous wreck, something that I don’t remember about the first one. I’m also feeling horribly pessimistic about everything this time around. I don’t mean in the “it’s not going to work” way that I felt last month. This time, it’s more of a “why are we even bothering” pessimism. I keep going back to the talk I had with Dr W at the beginning of this cycle. He tried very hard to encourage me to stay positive, saying that he believes that positive thinking can have a positive effect on the outcome of the cycle. And I do try. But there’s a huge difference between telling yourself to be positive and actually feeling that way. I don’t know how to change the way that I feel. And, yet, there is this strange sense of excitement within me this morning. Again, this is something I don’t recall from the first cycle. I don’t know where it’s coming from, and it doesn’t really seem to fit with the other things I’m feeling and thinking right now.
Today, I would give anything to have back the sense of calmness that I carried with me on IUI day last month.